RevKev
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Love and kindness
Star this Commitment
Day 32 of 32
RevKev commits to:
I commit to being loving and kind to Adri every day. This means I will not criticize her or try to dictate how our conversations should go for an entire month. I just listen and point her to my message if needed. But I will not engage in any sort of argument wherein I am criticizing her in any way.
31
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No more reports due
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My Commitment Journal
 RevKev
August 15, 2024, 4:57 AM
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| I had a great repair conversation with Adri today over text and then on a walk after dinner. It felt really good and made me feel hopeful again for us. | |
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RevKev
August 14, 2024, 3:03 AM
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| We are still stuck in our argument hangover. I’m pretty committed to keeping my distance and not engaging with her for a while longer. I know this won’t make things better but I hate the way she is behaving and I need her to come to terms I’m with that. Strangely is seems like she would appreciate silence more than any further discussion anyway. But I’m still working on myself internally. I took a very helpful short course today on conflict resolution. I got some really tangible lessons that are will make every effort to start implementing. I also signed up for therapy again and will use this as an opportunity to better internalize the skills and tools I learned about in the course I took. There are deeper issues too that I would like to explore, it feels good at least to have a plan. I think my greatest fear at this moment in time is that I may have married the wrong person. It feels like there are fatal flaws in how she manages conflict and this is just who she is. I keep thinking she’ll learn over her lifetime that it’s her not everyone else that is ruining her relationships. But then I think of her family and how wonderful they are and I think that there must be something there that can be worked with. I also think of our early interactions and I have the same optimism that there is a place that exists within us that is wonderful. We just need to find it again. It’s going to take major effort on my part to rebuild her trust and I just hope that she will follow my lead at some point so she can rebuild mine. While I’m frustrated that I’ve ended up with someone like this, rather than someone easy going, I wonder if there is a silver lining in that loving her will require significant personal growth on my part and showing myself I am capable of changing my most entrenched emotional habits will be hugely empowering. This is the person I should strive to be anyway. She is providing a level of motivation to achieve that version of myself that may never exist otherwise. I am on the path now and making progress. I just need to trust the process and never give up on myself or her. | |
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RevKev
August 13, 2024, 4:57 AM
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FUUUUUCK! This is such fucking bullshit. We were talking about how to move the goddamn table to the new house. She suggested one idea, I suggested another. At that point I could sense her energy shift. She became short with me and I could tell she was frustrated. I asked if everything was okay. She said ‘yes’. It wasn’t. So I couldn’t fucking help myself because it’s such bullshit that we can’t have a completely normal conversation wherein there is a slight disagreement without her tensing up. What kind of relationship is that? That is not how I want to live the rest of my life with this person, incapable of having healthy disagreements and complex discussions around them. It pisses me off so much that we can’t remain lighthearted, friendly, open, and inquisitive in these moments. She shuts that shit down as soon as I express an idea thats different from the one she already came up with. For my part I am way too sensitive to that energy shift and I have zero patience for it. But I kept my composure and simply said, I feel like a broken record but this doesn’t have to be a tough conversation, you know? Aaaand she freaked out. I don’t know why I thought that maybe this time would be different . She told me passive aggressively, “I’m always the problem.” That is not what I fucking said. I just noticed she was frustrated and said this doesn’t have to be a tough conversation. She could have said, ‘ I know but I’m just stressed’ or ‘I know but you don’t listen to my ideas.’ Then we could’ve talked about those things but she snapped back that I am always criticizing her. I responded that I am criticizing the conversation which we are both a part of and inviting her to help me fix that dynamic. She interprets this as a judgment on her which would be fine if she fucking owned up to her behavior but she never does. She just feeds the conflict by accusing me of things that are far removed from the point I was trying to make or even how I made it. But, whatever the reason may be, I did not achieve my goal today. But I had good intentions and believe that I approached my remark in the right way. I’m so stuck. I really fucking hate this. She is not capable of discussing this in subjective terms, it’s always win lose to her. I am so fucking frustrated by her reactivity and emotional immaturity and volatility. I don’t know what to do other that just accept the fact that we can’t have simple disagreements in the form of interesting and valuable conversations in our marriage. We have to avoid disagreements to be happy and not have tense interactions??? FUCK THAT. Why can’t she get a fucking grip? |
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RevKev
August 9, 2024, 10:31 PM
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| Proud of myself for keeping my emotions to myself last night. She was really testing me and I felt so disrespected but I just focused on how that felt in my body and refrained from voicing any grievances or showing my frustration non verbally. Once the anger subsided it was like it never happened and we had a good night together, we even were intimate. I still have so many thing I want to express to her but I am going to stick to the plan. | |
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Aug 3, 2024
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