zjmc
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No PM for a year
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Week 52 of 52
zjmc commits to:
Abstain from porn and masturbation for a year.
52
0
No more reports due
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My Commitment Journal
 ZaneB
January 2, 2021, 8:51 PM
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| It is a remarkable accomplishment and you should be proud! I suspect there are a large number of positive 2nd and 3rd order effects from your new normal. I will check this page occasionally if you might do more journaling here. | |
 zjmc
January 2, 2021, 2:20 PM
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Well, I did it. It’s a little anticlimactic, not the highlight of the year, but not unsatisfying. It is important to take note of how significant an accomplishment this is, given all the years I couldn’t imagine being completely off of porn. I don’t know if I’m still able to journal here going forward, but if I am I think maybe I will. |
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zjmc
December 31, 2020, 11:59 AM
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I have launched a new commitment lasting all of 2021, if you've followed my progress here feel free to follow it there. I plan to journal a good bit there from the start of the contract, exploring what it means not to rush and to not be late. At the eve of the new year I'm waking up early again and setting a tone of strength for 2021. Waking up early and staying busy consistently feels very different than waking up when I feel like and having a lot of free time. From this state, the idea of watching porn feels undesirable as does alcohol. Enjoyable, but at a cost that gives me pause. |
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zjmc
December 29, 2020, 4:19 AM
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Honestly, I have a new normal. The most foundational elements of my new normal are 1. Location. I live in an apartment that I have never watched porn in, rather than my family’s home where many bad habits are linked. 2. Time under tension. Time of course, it’s almost been a whole year, hard to believe really. But tension is just as important, I’ve been busy throughout the year, from work to school to projects to interpersonal relationship challenges, that last one being the biggest distractor from pmo. It’s important to reiterate that this stickk contract was important to facilitate the new normal, it has given me the time and focus I needed to build a life without porn. Following the contract was honestly pretty easy, given that I prize my money, my word, and my bragging rights. Whether or not I choose to watch porn now does not change my new normal, the possibility itself carries little weight next to what it would have a year ago, not to mention two or three. My emotional self awareness is nuanced in ways that dwarf the singular issue of pmo. This does not mean much in terms of simple willpower, I may be tempted and I may allow myself an indulgence at some point, but I can no longer do so believing I am ever stuck in a cycle or confused at any part of the result (shame, desire for more, etc). Self control is easy for someone like me to value. That does not mean it is easy to achieve, but having achieved it, there is for me a secondary challenge, which is to moderate that self control, avoid being a self-tyrant too long. How do act out the person I want to be without over-controlling? I think simple ratios are part of it, listening to my heart, as cheesy as that is, another. Checking my actions to my goals, checking my actions for linkages to my core bad habits (stuck in a gear, avoiding pain). There is a right place, a right time, a right amount, and a right means. In pursuit of my goals I have learned to condition myself for much less pleasure because at a certain point this actually makes success easier and fear less crippling. Designing a fulfilling life then, tends to orient myself away from pleasure in general. This is not about porn, it is about balancing my life overall. In balance then, porn may or may not enter my life. If and when it does, I will know and respond critically with a strong awareness of what I’m consuming it for and what effect it has on me. A less addictive example, -video games- has already gone through this cycle for the most part. I stopped playing them entirely before college. Two years in, and I hardly desire them at all, when I play, it’s for a bit, then I’m ready to move on to other things. They aren’t a thrill, my life is bigger and contains experiences that make video games feel shallow for what I used to draw on them for. More plainly, video games used to provide a multi-faceted excitement that is better drawn from real life. Now that I am over enough barriers in life to be using that energy for real life challenges, playing video games for the reasons that I used to doesn’t even work, and the habit itself is faint enough to resist. That’s how I see porn. And candy. And other things. I don’t want candy if I’m always making great meals, it’s so obviously shallow in comparison, so I only want it in small amounts or on special occasions. Porn is not perfectly analogous to the others, and my situation is not unaffected by having a partner. If I were single I may view the issue of staying sober differently. Porn was largely a shallow way to fill a void of intimacy, both physical and emotional. It’s not very good at those things, but the dope rush and the media experience are enough for some relief. Not only do I finally understand the link between my dependency on porn and my emotional voids, but I have filled those voids. I have hugely more self confidence and fulfilling social connection- a partner and a handful of close friends. In short, maybe I will watch porn but if I do I probably won’t like it and I know how to not get trapped in a demoralizing time wasting habit now. Getting porn out of my life for a while was really vital and cleared the way to build a life where porn seems hardly relevant given my deeper level of understanding. |
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Displaying 1-4 of 52 results.
December 26 to January 2
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ollyreagan
- Referee approval report
I’m never sure if you read these, but I’m so incredibly proud of you. Thank you for trusting me to follow your progress.
zjmc
- Committed user success report
December 19 to December 26
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ollyreagan
- Referee approval report
zjmc
- Committed user success report
December 12 to December 19
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ollyreagan
- Referee approval report
zjmc
- Committed user success report
December 5 to December 12
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